I was born with terrible vision. Terrible. We're talking arrested if found driving without corrective eyewear. We're talking can't even pick out the big E on the vision chart to save my life. My glasses were the ones in middle school, during the "let's all trade glasses and see how blind we are" game, that people would put on and go "DAAAAAAANG! You are BLIND!" Thank you. I never realized that before. However, they say that when one sense is lacking, the others overcompensate to make up for it. It is for this reason, I believe, that I have fantastic hearing. Not super-human enough to break any Guinness world records or anything, but pretty darn good. Like able to hear Gemma's blanket crinkle when she shifts during her nap and I'm two rooms away. In the shower.
The reason I tell you all this is because, I have recently been reflecting on the fact that I'm fairly certain my physical sense abilities (horrible vision, great hearing) mirror themselves in my spiritual life. Let me explain.
I am one of those people who has always been able to hear God's voice - so clearly. Truly hear him speaking in my heart, and know, without a doubt, that is is him. And know, without a doubt, what he is telling me to do. It's kind of crazy-sounding, I know. But I firmly believe that God blesses each of us with certain spiritual gifts and graces. And the ability to discern his voice in my life is mine. It is something I have always been able to do, as long as I can remember. It is a gift that I am so very grateful for. I cherish it, and wouldn't change it for the world.
However. Coupled with this blessing, I am really, really, really lacking in spiritual vision. I never know what the path God has lain before me looks like. I cannot see his plan for me anymore clearly than I can see the big E on the eye chart. Which is not at all, if you remember. Every now and then, if I squint reallllllly hard, I am able to make out vague shapes that I can only guess at what they are. Like, hm, that kind of looks like a house. And that, maybe that's a double stroller. And that - oo! That looks like me, as the host of my very own cooking show on the Food Network! ... no? Not so much? Where are my glasses?!
My whole life is like one big trust walk. I can hear God's voice, clear as day, saying "Come this way. Now stop. Move over to the left a bit. Now take as gigantic of a leap as you are physically capable of. Okay, now sit and relax for awhile. Okay now run really fast! Now just walk slowly towards the right until I say stop..." But can you imagine how terrifying those instructions are when you are BLIND? Terrifying, I tell you.
But you know what? I do what he says. I do it anyway, despite my sheer terror at times. I do it because, so far, he has never led me to harm, only to happiness. So was it scary when God told me to attend a university I didn't really want to instead of going to the one I had dreamt of attending all through high school? Yea, it was. But I learned a lot at that school, and I made some amazing friends. Irreplaceable friends. Was it scary when God said "I want you to travel by yourself to Africa... and stay there for awhile." when I had never even flown in my life? Ummmm, yes! But it was the most eye-opening, spiritually fulfilling, life-changing time of my life. Was it scary when God told me to marry a man I had known for only a short while? Of course it was. But I have loved every single second of my marriage and the life we are building together.
So as I look back a little on my life, and think forward to future that lies ahead, still hidden, I am both scared and excited. Scared because it's hard to be blind. It's hard to obey a voice that's leading you down a road... a road that could be rough, or muddy, or smooth, or winding, or hilly, or boring, or.... anything! But I'm excited because that voice is God's. And I trust that his will for me is perfect, and more beautiful than I could ever imagine. The life he creates for me is far better than any life I could ever hope to create for myself. So even when it's scary, even when the world disapproves, even when I'm completely and utterly blind... I will follow that voice.
I have faith that God will always lead me exactly where he wants me to go... which I'm pretty sure is my own cooking show on the Food Network. No? Still no? Hmm... well, we'll see if he changes his mind on that at some point. ;)