Benjamin Louis

For awhile now, Rocky and I have known we would name one of our sons Benjamin.

This past Thursday was the day we finished the 33-day long St. Louis de Montfort - Total Consecration to Jesus through Mary. Some of you may be familiar with it. Rocky and I had consecrated ourselves individually before we ever met, and then we renewed it together, dedicating our Marriage to Jesus and our Lady, and again, renewed it to dedicate little Gemma when we were pregnant with her. So this most recent renewal was for our most recent addition to our family.

You see, this past Friday was supposed to be the day that I made my announcement here on my blog that we were expecting Baby #2. But the bleeding had started the day before - the exact day we completed our Consecration. And I thought I'd wait it out to see if the bleeding cleared up, as it had when I bled with my pregnancy with Gemma. It didn't this time around.

Last night, we held our tiny, tiny baby in our hands. We wept over him, and we just knew he was a boy. Our first son. To be honest, I'm still so shocked. It's hard to accept that just a few days ago, he was growing in my belly, and now he's gone. I just can't make sense of it.

This morning, we said goodbye to our sweet baby boy, Benjamin Louis. We placed his little body into a box, sang a hymn, and sent him out into the water off the dock in our backyard.

Even in the midst of this pain, I'm so grateful that we have an eternal perspective. That I can find some comfort knowing that he's in Heaven now with Jesus, and that our gentle Mother is holding him in her arms. It doesn't make me miss him any less, but it at least gives me a small token of comfort in knowing he's there. A friend of mine this morning who has known this kind of loss herself said "Just think, as parents, our job is to get our babies to Heaven so ... check. One down." I'm so thankful for my faith. I know I'm not going through this alone.

This morning at Mass, the responsorial psalm was "Praise the Lord, who heals the broken-hearted." I do praise Him, and I pray for healing, because my heart is truly broken today. All I can do is keep praying, cry when I need to, and thank Jesus for the beautiful blessing of my daughter, Gemma, who has already made me smile so many times today. Without her, I don't think I would have smiled for a long, long time.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!

This year I have so, so much to be thankful for! Here's a short list:
- My amazing, loving, talented, patient, godly, strong, super hot hubby, Rocky!
- My adorable, silly, smart, compassionate, fun-loving, crazy, precious daughter, Gemma
- My wonderful family and extended family who always make me feel SO very loved
- My incredibly strong, beautiful best friend, Jaime, her hubby Stewart, and especially the safe, gentle, God-filled birth of their son Caden Kolbe!! Our future godson!! :):)
- Our wonderful friends, near and far
- Food in my belly, clothes on my back, and our warm, cozy home
- An ever-faithful, everlasting love from the ever-faithful, everlasting God of the universe!!
- My gifts and talents and the ability to recognize them and use them every day

I could go on and on and on because God has been SO good to us, but it's time to head out the door and go to out Thanksgiving celebration!

What are YOU thankful for this year? :)

Things. Have. Happened!

Helllllllloooo!! (Mrs. Doubtfire voice). 

I dunno... I just felt like saying that.

Anyway, it is so totally update time. I'm going to make this fast though because honestly, details can be boring and my attention span is short. So, first of all, my surgery went as smoothly as we could have hoped for, and I am recovering really well. So in a few weeks, this will all be a distant memory! Thank you all so, so, so, so, so much for your prayers and support during that time. I am so grateful to God for seeing me through that.

Secondly, it's official. I am now a resident of Virginia!! The move went off without a hitch. Well, actually, we did need a hitch to tow our car. But other than that one necessary hitch, it was an otherwise totally hitchless event. Our new home is absolutely gorgeous, and every morning, when I look outside, I have to remind myself that I actually LIVE here. I keep thinking I'm just visiting or on vacation or something. We live right on the river, and yes, it's time for pictures. Pardon the mess... we just moved, people! ;)

Hubby and Gem outside the house. Back of the house.

Fam room area

Dining room area. Hubs working on his brand new computer. Kitchen in the background.

Okay, so now that you can see a little sneak-peak of the kitchen back there, let me just talk about that for a minute. I am .OBSESSED. with my new kitchen. Seriously. Sometimes I just go in there to hang out. Stare at the inside of my oven. Wash my hands. Caress the counter-top. Just kidding about that last part. ...not really. But anyway, it's a brand new kitchen. Fresh new tile. All new energy-efficient appliances. New cupboards. Granite counter-tops. Gigantic stainless steel sink. Seriously, you could probably give a baby elephant a bath in there. Possibly even an adolescent elephant. 

Yes, it's raining outside, but no one can rain on my parade of kitchen joy. It's just beautiful.

And it is a really huge room... I may add an island in here at some point. Right now, I just have some extra shelving and random stuff going on over there, but hey. At least there are sombreros.

I also really need to get curtains in this kitchen asap because it's so creepy at night when you can't see out and have a ridiculous imagination like I do. I'm pretty sure I've already envisioned roughly 17 different stalker/axe murderer/lunatic clown scenarios while standing in the kitchen at night.

Okay, so I've been holding out on you. As gorgeous as the kitchen is, it doesn't even come close to the beauty that is our backyard. Our backyard is a river. The Lafayette River to be exact. This is the view from the back door of our house. (Which is the kitchen door, which means I get to look out to the river a million times a day as I hang out in my awesome kitchen.)

:

Sunset. Picnic table compliments of my FIL.

The dock! And seriously, I'm not exaggerating... this picture was taken from the threshold of our back door. 

So it's almost impossible for me to stop taking pictures out here. Especially at sunset!! What's really cool about this is that the water is brackish which makes for extremely fertile breeding ground for all different types of fishes. We hear the fishing and crabbing off this dock is top notch. So operation buy a fishing pole will very soon commence. 

Lots of geese, ducks, and cranes out on this river.

Here comes a goose to say hi to my family!

I don't even have to edit these pictures, it's just that gorgeous out here.

Me and my little Gem. She's waving hi to all of you, beautiful readers!

So the other really cool thing about where we live on the river is that directly across from us is the zoo! Which is cool for a few different reasons:

1. No one will ever build a house over there so our view will always just be all those trees, which makes it look so awesome and naturey all the time.

2. Sometimes you can hear random animal noises and you get to play the game of guess which animal made that noise!

3. Maybe they will let me babysit an adolescent elephant some time so I can really see just how big my kitchen sink really is. Ya think?

Hope you all had a fantastic holiday weekend! I know Gemma enjoyed herself. Rocky and I were making s'mores, turned our backs on her for 5 seconds to roast our mallows, and I turned around to this glorious sight:

Of course I had to get a picture of her mischief before we hosed her sticky self off.

It was also 97 degrees out, so we justified this activity as serving a dual-purpose.

And Gemma loved every minute of it.

Once again, thank you all for your love and prayers for my family during this transition period. Praise God for bring us to this beautiful new home! We are so looking forward to our new life and ministry here.

Things. Are. Happening!

Hey y'all!!! If you're an average mommy blogger like I am, then you're already very familiar with the following phrase: Sorry I've been so MIA lately, but life has been crazy! Haha... seriously, though, unless you're Supermom Superblogger, you know what I mean here! I think we all have times when we inadvertently neglect our blog as life takes over for a little bit. Now is such a time in my life. Even now I reallllly don't have that much time to be blogging, but felt like I should do a quick catch up before life gets even crazier (and it's about to!)

The fam went down to Virginia Beach during the week ending with and including Memorial Day weekend for vacation (and a few job interviews for the hubby.) Back in November, we went out to San Diego to visit family for Thanksgiving, and dipped Gemma's little toesies into the Pacific, so she's technically already been to the beach, but this was her first "real" beach trip. She was cautious of the sand at first, but then ended up loving it! Daddy would build little castles for her, and she would smash them down. It was so stinkin cute. She got it in her bathing suit, mouth, ears, everywhere. For the record, it is very difficult to re-apply sunscreen to a baby who is COVERED in sand! (Note to self - get spray sunscreen). She was nooooot really a fan - at all - of the ocean however. 

Having all kinds of fun!

Like I said... Not. A. Fan.

Awhile back, a mommy blog friend of mine's son popped teeth while they were on vacation, so I was like, "Ooh, maybe GEMMA will finally pop some teeth while WE'RE on vacation!" But no, not a one. She is now 10 months and 4 days, and totally toothless. It's all good though. I'm nursing her, so I'm not really in a rush for her teeth to come in, but it does slightly limit what she can eat food-wise. I say slightly, because her lack of teeth doesn't really hinder her a great deal. She can really gum something down when she wants to. She's a bit picky on what she'll eat, but she lives fruit smoothies and is basically a carb-aholic. Pasta, bread, crackers, cereal, potatoes, bagel, pizza crust... if it's a carb, she loves it. Girl after my own heart :)

Aaaaanyway, as I mentioned earlier, my husband did some job interviews while we were down in Virginia, and I am SO EXCITED to announce that he got the job we were hoping for! So we have been, and are currently in crazy pack mode, as we are leaving for Virginia on the 26th because his job starts July 1st!! That's right, we are soon-to-be Virginia residents! Ahhh I am freaking out. It's going to be a really fantastic move for us, as we have lots of good friends already where we are moving, and we'll be a bit closer to various family members of mine :)

However, getting from point A to point B is crazy stressful! Any of you who have relocated to another STATE know what I'm talking about. Sooooo many logistics! I won't even go into it.

LASTLY, on Monday (the 20th), I'll be having a fairly major surgery. It all started over a month ago, when I ended up in the ER. So not fun. Well, several follow-up appointments, 2 ultrasounds, and a CAT Scan later, it has come to light that I have two benign dermoid cysts inside me. Either both in one ovary, or one in each ovary. They are bigger than tennis balls, oblong, and heavy. So yes, they are causing me pain. And yes, they need to come out. Unfortunately, due the the nature and location of the cysts, my OB will not be able to perform the surgery laproscopically as we had originally hoped. So it will be an open surgery, and although he said he will do his best to keep the incision as small as possible, the fact remains - it's an open surgery. It carries higher risks and requires a longer recovery time. 

So yes, you got that right. I will be having major surgery and moving to another state 6 days later. Enter: STRESS. But ya know, we're coping with it really well actually. I realize, God has been SO GOOD to us, and I trust Him completely. 

If you could please, offer a prayer for me and my family during this crazy time in our lives! I will try to update as soon as I can, but with everything going on, no guarantees on when that will be! As of now, all I can say is Praise God for all the blessings he has been pouring into our lives. Jesus, I trust in you.

Here's one last picture of Gemma enjoying the pool at our friend's house:

Trust Walk

I was born with terrible vision. Terrible. We're talking arrested if found driving without corrective eyewear. We're talking can't even pick out the big E on the vision chart to save my life. My glasses were the ones in middle school, during the "let's all trade glasses and see how blind we are" game, that people would put on and go "DAAAAAAANG! You are BLIND!" Thank you. I never realized that before. However, they say that when one sense is lacking, the others overcompensate to make up for it. It is for this reason, I believe, that I have fantastic hearing. Not super-human enough to break any Guinness world records or anything, but pretty darn good. Like able to hear Gemma's blanket crinkle when she shifts during her nap and I'm two rooms away. In the shower.

The reason I tell you all this is because, I have recently been reflecting on the fact that I'm fairly certain my physical sense abilities (horrible vision, great hearing) mirror themselves in my spiritual life. Let me explain.

I am one of those people who has always been able to hear God's voice - so clearly. Truly hear him speaking in my heart, and know, without a doubt, that is is him. And know, without a doubt, what he is telling me to do. It's kind of crazy-sounding, I know. But I firmly believe that God blesses each of us with certain spiritual gifts and graces. And the ability to discern his voice in my life is mine. It is something I have always been able to do, as long as I can remember. It is a gift that I am so very grateful for. I cherish it, and wouldn't change it for the world.

However. Coupled with this blessing, I am really, really, really lacking in spiritual vision. I never know what the path God has lain before me looks like. I cannot see his plan for me anymore clearly than I can see the big E on the eye chart. Which is not at all, if you remember. Every now and then, if I squint reallllllly hard, I am able to make out vague shapes that I can only guess at what they are. Like, hm, that kind of looks like a house. And that, maybe that's a double stroller. And that - oo! That looks like me, as the host of my very own cooking show on the Food Network! ... no? Not so much? Where are my glasses?!

My whole life is like one big trust walk. I can hear God's voice, clear as day, saying "Come this way. Now stop. Move over to the left a bit. Now take as gigantic of a leap as you are physically capable of. Okay, now sit and relax for awhile. Okay now run really fast! Now just walk slowly towards the right until I say stop..." But can you imagine how terrifying those instructions are when you are BLIND? Terrifying, I tell you.

But you know what? I do what he says. I do it anyway, despite my sheer terror at times. I do it because, so far, he has never led me to harm, only to happiness. So was it scary when God told me to attend a university I didn't really want to instead of going to the one I had dreamt of attending all through high school? Yea, it was. But I learned a lot at that school, and I made some amazing friends. Irreplaceable friends. Was it scary when God said "I want you to travel by yourself to Africa... and stay there for awhile." when I had never even flown in my life? Ummmm, yes! But it was the most eye-opening, spiritually fulfilling, life-changing time of my life. Was it scary when God told me to marry a man I had known for only a short while? Of course it was. But I have loved every single second of my marriage and the life we are building together.

So as I look back a little on my life, and think forward to future that lies ahead, still hidden, I am both scared and excited. Scared because it's hard to be blind. It's hard to obey a voice that's leading you down a road... a road that could be rough, or muddy, or smooth, or winding, or hilly, or boring, or.... anything! But I'm excited because that voice is God's. And I trust that his will for me is perfect, and more beautiful than I could ever imagine. The life he creates for me is far better than any life I could ever hope to create for myself. So even when it's scary, even when the world disapproves, even when I'm completely and utterly blind... I will follow that voice.

I have faith that God will always lead me exactly where he wants me to go... which I'm pretty sure is my own cooking show on the Food Network. No? Still no? Hmm... well, we'll see if he changes his mind on that at some point. ;)

Favorite of the Day: Baby Forgiveness

"To err is human; to forgive is divine."
-Alexander Pope

Today's Favorite of the Day actually deals with a topic that is very difficult for me, and moms everywhere, I'm sure. As moms, we want to be perfect all the time. We want to believe that we can give our child(ren) everything good in the world, and somehow protect them from everything bad in the world as well. Unfortunately, not only are we unable to protect them from everything bad, sometimes we are the source of the bad! 

Of course it's always unintentional, but crazy things happen with babies, no matter how careful we try to be. They fling themselves out of your arms and fly face first into the floor. You accidentally bonk their head on the way in or out of the car. You clip that fingernail a little too closely and end up drawing blood. You lay the baby on a cool beach blanket tent that your mother-in-law gave you and while trying to shift the blanket, you kick up a bunch of sand into your baby's eyes.

I have done all of these things. At first, Gemma would scream bloody murder. I would immediately respond by picking her up, holding her close, kissing whatever bumps and scrapes she received, all while crying hysterically. I swear, I cry harder when Gemma gets hurt than she does. After cuddling and or nursing her for a few minutes, she is completely over it. No longer crying, she's moved onto the next activity and could care less about what happened five minutes earlier. 

I, however, require intensive therapy to get over the trauma. I literally cried for three hours the first time I banged Gemma up. I was SO sad that I caused her to cry, even if she only cried for a few minutes. I kept snuggling her and apologizing to her. At some point, I quit my sniffling, looked Gemma in the face, and smiled. She looked back at me and beamed this enormous smile at me. Of course, she couldn't speak to me in words, but that smile spoke directly to my heart. That beautiful, toothless smile said more in the way of forgiveness than a thousand "I forgive you"s ever could. It was a special moment; a special connection. 

Too bad I couldn't forgive myself as easily! I was still shaken up about it for days. Eventually, over time, it all fades a bit, but I will never forget that day! Gemma, on the other hand, completely forgives and completely forgets. A little over a week ago, Rocky had his first run-in with an accident resulting in Gemma getting a few bumps. He. Was. Devastated. Of course, I'm home with Gemma everyday, so by this point, I was an old pro at the experience. I assured him that it's okay, accidents happen, and Gemma will be over it long before he would.

Later on that night, we were all cuddling, and he was just looking down at Gemma who was merrily busying herself with her hands. He said something that I'll never forget. He said, "She's just like God." He was referring to her ability to forgive so easily, to forget so quickly, and to move on so happily.

It's such a blessing to live with this gentle, little person who teaches me so much about God's love for us. I'm learning something new everyday, and I am so grateful.